“Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it Countrify it then hip-hop it,” sang Miley Cyrus on her timeless classic Hoedown Throwdown. Little did we know at the time that this simple lyric would be the blueprint for her first non-Disney released album Bangerz.
1. Adore You: 3/10
The album’s opener is a pretty flat ballad. It moves at a glacial pace and Legend M’s vocals come off like a dying cat’s moaning in an alley way after a brutal fight over a can of tuna. My poor defenseless ears.
2. We Can’t Stop: 10/10
The best song of 2013.
3. SMS (BANGERZ) Featuring Britney Spears: 10/10
This trash-tastic noisy jam is truly a slayer. The lyrics make absolutely no sense, the structure of the song is all over the place, the vocals are a bit hilarious, but when will your favs ever? It really ends up feeling like a sequel to Britney Spears Blackout classic Freakshow. According to this track, a “banger” is a pair of shoes. So basically we have just learned that Miss Cyrus decided to name her entire musical project after some shoes. Iconic!
4. 4X4 Featuring Nelly: 8/10
This is basically Hoedown Throwdown 2.0, (or even a 2013 version of Jessica Simpson’s Push Your Tush). It’s a sort of awkward country pop song that is heavy on the embarrassment, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s a fun throw away track and Nelly actually slays his section.
5. My Darlin Featuring Future: 1/10
This is a truly awful song that seems likely to be about her relationship with Liam Hemsworth. If this is the product of Miley emoting personal depth and opening up to us, then please gurl, up your dose of purple drank and kill those emotions. The track sounds like a really awful demo and Futures featuring is so bad it hurts.
6. Wrecking Ball: 6/10
A pretty generic pop ballad. You can find my review of the track by clicking here.
7. Love Money Party Featuring Big Sean: 8/10
This track feels a bit forced at times, but it’s pretty amazing overall, (once you pass the really awkward lyrical content). “Money ain’t nothing but money when you get to the money it ain’t nothing but money,” sings Miley. Okay captain obvious.
8. #GetItRight: 3/10
This cash grab bandwagon jumping track is basically Miley’s label trying to score her a Blurred Lines/Get Lucky sized hit. It’s bad.
9. Drive: 4/10
I realize this is the unpopular opinion here, but besides The Climb, Miley has never been able to sell a ballad. Her voice is like a face that handle too much make-up: she just cannot pull off a ballad. This is yet another underwhelming track that really holds no emotional impact.
10. FU Featuring French Montana: 6/10
This might be the most bizarre song I have ever heard. It is like someone decided to do a community theater cast recording of a song from the stage musical Cabaret. The song flows like she is telling a story, (one that I don’t care to hear). The beat of the track saves it from being totally horrific, but it is definitely not something you’d hear on the radio. On the plus side Milegend’s voice has never been so strong or soulful.
11. Do My Thang: 9/10
This is one of the albums best tracks. Miley drops some serious flow over a fat as fuk beat. This is the musical direction she needs to stay in.
12. Maybe You’re Right: 5/10
Another ballad(ish) track. It has a Coldplay feel to it. It’s probably the best ballad from this entire era, (aside from Wrecking Ball), not that that is saying much.
13. Someone Else: 7/10
This is the type of track RCA forced Miley to keep on Bangerz in agreement to include all her #HighOffPurp wacky tracks. It’s very commercial and could easily be a single, and it’s also a pretty decent standard edition album closer.
14. Rooting For My Baby: 7/10
This track is basically just a re-write of Britney Spears Blackout demo Sugafall. It’s not quite as good as Sugarfall though. The song isn’t horrible, but the similarities with Sugarfall end up being distracting. That said, this is the best of the bonus tracks.
15. On My Own: 4/10
Another song to capitalize off the recent Blurred Lines/Get Lucky funk trend. It’s pretty forgettable.
16. Hands In The Air Featuring Ludacris: 5/10
One of the more urban cuts on the album and is a slow burner. It has a middle of the road feel to it. It is neither fun nor catchy.
It’s a shame an album titled “Bangerz” is so packed full of ballads, (though as we’ve learned a “banger” is a pair of heels, not a club jam). In all the album is a clusterfuck of genre’s due to Miley’s habit of going in and out of sobriety. The good moments are some of the best musical moments of the year, while the bad moments are some of the worst of the year. Risks were taken, (sometimes working and other times flopping hard), and in the end this album really propels Miley into top tier pop star territory. Hopefully she can refine it a little in the future.