Notable Offenders: Jordan Knight’s Give It To You, Ja Rule & Ashanti’s Mesmerize, Demi Lovato’s Made In The USA, P!nk’s Who Knew, The Wanted’s Lose My Mind, Fifth Harmony’s Miss Movin’ On, Mariah Carey’s Fantasy, JoJo’s Baby It’s You, Jessica Simpson’s I Think I’m In Love With You, Sun’s Fancy Free, Whoa!’s Rub One Out
Upon viewing Demi Lovato’s new video Made In The USA and Fifth Harmony’s Miss Moving On videos out this week, I could not help but feel completely annoyed but could not figure out why. Then it dawned on me: I HATE MUSIC VIDEOS SET AT CARNIVALS.
Let me start out by saying I went to the county fair every year as a kid. My parents would take me annually to this super cheaply constructed traveling theme park wannabe and I typically had fun. We went for a good decade, with me looking forward to getting on the hazardous rides and eating gross onion rings and cotton candy. I also want to state that I 1000% understand why county fair settings are used. They are affordable, accessible, and relatable to all age groups and backgrounds.
That said, I fucking hate music videos set in local county fairs. Why, you ask, would I despise something so rooted in my childhood? Shouldn’t they bring back fond childhood memories? Fuk no and here’s why:
1. Carnivals are ratchet:
With their poorly constructed rides and their made-in-China stuffed/inflatable prizes, county fairs are the cheapest of the cheap. Screws pop out of the rides and popcorn covers the dirty ground. The air smells of funnel cake grease, and the band playing is typically washed up 10x’s over (if they were even famous to begin with). A top selling artist deserves a set that isn’t infested with cheapness at every twist and turn.
2. People dress like shit at carnivals:
Glamorous pop icons go to carnivals dressed like middle schoolers who just blew their lunch money at the Forever 21 clearance rack. You will almost never see any ounce of glamour at a fair. Poptarts will be dressed (down) in boring little dresses, jeans, spaghetti strap tank tops, cargo pants from the Gap 7 years ago; it’s all very Burlington Coat Factory chic. I personally don’t enjoy seeing a glamorous pop icon who makes millions dressed like they just got a K-Mart gift certificate in the mail. We as a culture look to pop singers to start amazing fashion trends, not emulate things we wear due to budget restraints.
3. Watching people in bumper cars is boring as fuk:
As the above photos clearly exemplify, every carnival video shows the same 4 things: 1. The bumper car scene, 2. The cotton candy/popcorn purchase scene, 3. The winning a stuffed animal scene, and 4. The ferris wheel in the background scene. How many times must we witness people doing those 4 lame activities? No, these are not fun to watch and they will never be.
4. All carnival videos have the same plot:
Besides P!nk’s Who Knew video, all videos set in fairs have the same plot: boy and girl have fun at the fair and occasionally glance at each other. BORING. That is not an acceptable plot line. I mean, videos don’t NEED plotlines, many of my favorite videos are plot free, but watching two kids hanging out while waiting in line for bumper cars is about as interesting as watching a retail supervisor sort through receipts while counting out the daily sales. Watching people do normal things is not entertaining.
I think it’s time we retired this cheap video concept. Unless your next single is titled “Cotton Candy Flavored Bumper Cars (Heartbreak At The County Fair)”, the carnival theme doesn’t apply to your song. Let’s all let this concept rest in peace.